Perfectly Terrifying Valentines
by Sesshomaru's koi
Summary: It’s Valentine’s Day in the world of YYH and what a Valentine’s Day it turns out to be. Chaos ensues as Cupid rebels, arrows fly, the gang falls in love with each other. Oh, and did I mention that Kurama gets kidnapped by a psychotic fan girl?
1. Early start

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH no matter how much I wish I did.

Things that are in both _italics_ and the single quotations ( ' ' ) are thoughts. (I'm not sure if they're called single quotations or not, I'm just going on my best guess here.) Example - _'It's snowing outside, how pretty.'_

Anything in parenthesis are little comments I put for either an explanation purpose or if I just plain want to comment on something.

Summary: It's Valentine's Day in the world of YYH and what a Valentine's Day it turns out to be. Chaos ensues as Cupid rebels, arrows fly, the gang falls in love with each other, oh and did I mention that Kurama gets kidnapped by a psychotic fan girl? This will be a day that no one will ever forget, no matter how much they may want to.

Without further ado, here's my fic, I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Ch. 1

It was a regular morning in Spirit World, well; at least it started that way.

"What could you possibly want this early in the morning?" demanded a sleepy Yusuke, rubbing his eyes wearily. Beside him stood Hiei and Kurama, both wide awake and at attention. Botan was sleeping on her oar, which was hovering in mid-air as usual. Kuwabara lay on the ground behind the others, snoring and every once in a while, grunting.

"As you all know, today is Valentines Day," said Koenma evenly.

"Yeah what of it? You want us all to pass around pretty, pink, heart-covered cards and then roses and candy, all while singing happy crap-o-sap love songs?" Yusuke asked in his regular sharp, sarcastic tone.

Koenma gave Yusuke an annoyed look before replying, "Sorry to disappoint you, but no. This is much more serious. A demon, who has in their possession arrows that inflict the side effect of love upon whoever is stuck for the first thing that they see, has been going overboard as of late."

"You mean Cupid?" Yusuke asked with an incredulous look. "Come on," laughed Yusuke, "You actually expect me to believe this crap of yours?"

"Yusuke, this is a serious matter," Koenma admonished. "For thousands and thousands of years Cupid has given humans a nudge in the right direction on Valentines day. However, he will not be doing so this year. As of late he has been using his arrows in ways he should not and is completely disrupting the order of things."

"Heh, Cupid goes crazy, interesting headline," said Yusuke with another yawn as he leaned back against the wall.

"Do you have any idea what has made him act this way?" Kurama asked curiously.

"Unfortunately, no. All I know is that Cupid seems to be very angry and is taking it out on the people of the living world. Well, that and that you must capture Cupid and bring him back here."

"Piece of cake," Yusuke exclaimed.

"I wish you were right," Koenma said uneasily. "Anyway," he continued, "you must start on this case immediately.

"Yeah, yeah, sure," sighed Yusuke. "Just point the direction and we're off."

Hiei remained silent, standing there with the predictable glum look that a lot of people who didn't know him would take as 'say a word and die'. Kurama nodded to Koenma to signify that he understood. There was a thick and dreary silence for a moment as Koenma searched for the paper that had all the details that the group needed to know for the assignment. That, however, was abruptly broken as a large blue ogre named Jorge entered, trying to balance a large, tottering tray of food and juice. He had just about steadied the tray when he tripped over the body of the unconscious Kuwabara, and then fell flat on the floor. Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei managed to easily move out of the way, but Koenma was not quite so lucky. As Jorge fell, the tray went flying into the air.

Time seemed to move in slow-motion as eggs, pancakes, bacon, waffles, various cut up fruit, an impossible load of syrup, sausages, and several cups of orange juice and milk flew through the air towards Koenma just as he found the sheet of paper he had been looking for. What lay before everyone's eyes afterward was not exactly a pretty sight. Botan, having been awoken by Jorge crashing down on the floor, along with the others, with the exception of the still sleeping Kuwabara, gaped at Koenma. Koenma did not look like just any old talking toddler now. No, he looked like a seriously pissed off, slime-covered gook demon from a horror movie. He, along with his desk, the paper in his hands, and all of the area around him, was now covered in the eggs, syrup, and other breakfast contents. Koenma looked like he was ready to snap.

"OGRE!!!" roared Koenma.

"Oh please sir, I am so very eternally sorry. I did not mean to cover his Grace like this," pleaded Jorge in a panicked manor.

"Guards, take him away!" Koenma yelled. Two guards appeared in the doorway and started dragging the terrified ogre away.

"Please sir, no! I beg of you!" Jorge pleaded as he was dragged away, out of the room, and down the hall, his voice slowly fading away.

There was another short moment of silence before Yusuke said in a cheery voice, "Well, it's the thought that counts. It was nice of you to order breakfast for us."

"Actually, that was my breakfast," replied short-tempered Koenma in a voice not to be reckoned with.

"Oh."

"Arg! Now this paper is of no use, it's not even legible now! Botan, get the spare over in the file cabinet."

"Yes sir," replied Botan, hopping off her oar and retrieving a sheet of paper from the file cabinet. "Here you go," she said in cheerily while handing the paper to Yusuke.

"This should be all the information you need," informed Koenma. "One more thing, Chuu and Jin shall be accompanying you on your mission."

"Oh Yukina! Oh yes, oh yes! I love you too! Don't worry my love; no one shall get in between us. We shall runaway together and never be parted." Everyone turned towards the sleeping Kuwabara laying on the floor and sucking his thumb. Hiei's eyes narrowed at Kuwabara's mumblings and he walked over and kicking him extremely hard in the stomach area. Everyone heard a sickly crack as Kuwabara's left ribs broke.

"Get up," Hiei growled, "It's time to go."

Kuwabara slowly opened his eyes and started to get up as Hiei walked out the door. Kuwabara stood there for a couple minutes with stupid look on his face before clutching his side, crying out in pain, and falling back onto the floor.

"Hmm, his brain is so tiny that it takes that long for his brain to process pain. How very sad," Kurama stated in an emotionless tone. Kuwabara got up and slunk out the door, Kurama, Yusuke, and Botan following behind him.

"That's Kuwabara for you," Yusuke replied. "By the way, remind me never to get on either Koenma's or Hiei's bad side."

Kurama nodded. "You should see Hiei when he first wakes up. He's not exactly what you would call a morning person."

"So then waking him up bright n' early would not be the best idea then?"

"Not quite, unless you have a deep desire to be sliced into mince meat."

"What are you two whispering about back there?" Hiei asked suspiciously, stopping to look back at Kurama and Yusuke.

"Nothing," they replied quickly in unison.

"How very convincing and not the least bit suspicious," Hiei said sarcastically.

"Exactly," Yusuke said with a smile, continuing down the hallway. As the three headed down a path after going though a portal that led to the living world they heard a shrill girly shriek of joy.

"Oh Yukina!!!" cried Kuwabara, "I knew you'd come, just like in my dream!"

In a clearing Botan was standing beside Yukina, Chuu, and Jin, and Kuwabara was running towards Yukina, flailing his arms wildly. Yukina just stood there with a slightly frightened look on her face. At the sound of Kuwabara's outburst Hiei rushed off, to go to the aid of his sister no doubt. Kurama and Yusuke exchanged a glance before rushing off after Hiei, hoping to prevent whatever pain Hiei had in mind for Kuwabara. They stopped when they got closer, however, seeing that trying to stop it would be entirely hopeless.

"Well, he is certainly moving pretty easily, considering that his ribs are broken," stated Kurama.

Yusuke nodded. "Yeah, must be his idioticness that allows him to do that. God, can he get any stupider?!"

Just as Kuwabara was about to reach Yukina, he fell over forwards, tripping on a little sand in the grass. He fell down hard with an 'oof'. The group just stared at Kuwabara and Hiei put down the boulder that he had been holding over his head and was planning to throw at Kuwabara.

"That oaf is so ignorant that he tripped himself. I guess there's no need for this anymore."

Kuwabara blinked stupidly for a moment. Kurama started counting on his hand. "Three, two, one…."

"OW!!!"

"So predictable," said Kurama with a sigh.

"So mates, we off then?" Chuu asked expectantly.

"Guess so," it's not like we have any other real option."

"ThazicUramezeilozsoaopiciztimsistawzatagoey!" replied an excited Jin. (Jin translation: "That's it Urameshi, optimism is a good way to go!") (I'm not sure if Jin was being sarcastic or was just too excited to get what Yusuke said.)

"Ah right, whatever he said." Yusuke, as usual, had no idea what Jin said. (Not that you can blame him, Jinnish is a very hard language to understand.)

"So, where do we start?" asked Yusuke.

"Well," Botan started, pulling out a white briefcase and opening it, revealing a bunch of gadgets, "one of these items should help us locate him. Hmm, now let's see. I think…yes! This one should do." She pulled out a small device that closely resembled some sort of tracking device you would find in the army.

"Wow Botan, that's really cool! Um, what does it do?"

"Well Kuwabara, this should help us track down Cupid if we can set it to the right frequency." Botan fiddled with the device for a couple minutes, turning the big green dials carefully before stopping. "There we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we have connection."

"So, where is this nuisance that is going to waste my entire day?"

"Oh Hiei, please, don't sound so excited," Botan responded in her usual perky tone. "Besides, you'll get to spend the entire day with Yukina and why wouldn't you want to spend the day with you're…."

Botan was cut off by Hiei entering her mind. '_That's right Botan; tell her I'm her brother. I will enjoy torturing you to death. I wonder how many ways I can make you bleed._' Botan got the stricken look on her face, her right eye twitching. Images of a laughing, evil Hiei filled her head. "He, he, he, he, he." Botan began her scissor walk as she slowly walked away, looking like she lost her mind. "This way folks just follow the leader. Heh, he, heh, he, heh, he, he."

"Um, is she okay?" Yukina asked Hiei worriedly.

"Don't worry about her, she'll be fine," he responded, still shooting death glares after the retreating Botan.

"Oh, um, okay then," said Yukina quietly, "If you're sure."

"Positive." '_As long as she doesn't say a word of course. If she does, then I can't promise anything_'

"So I guess we follow the bouncing Botan then."

"Xstleyugdhmctka!" (Jin translation: "Exactly Urameshi!")

"Uh right, well we're getting nowhere fast so we might as well start moving."

"For once I agree with the detective," Hiei said as he started off after Botan.

* * *

A/N: Okay, first chapter done. I'm not really sure if I can find the words to correctly define what this story will be like. It's going to be at least a bit wacky for one thing though. I find that insanity and weirdness can be several buckets of fun. Besides, sanity and being normal are so overrated in this day in age.

In my story, I do a bit of over-the-top stuff. Take Jin for example. I know I've exaggerated the lack of understanding towards his speech quite a bit. My friends cannot understand a single thing he says (they have to use subtitles if they want to know what he's saying) and what I write pretty much sums up what they hear when he speaks. That is what I am really basing this on. I know Jin talks in that fast-paced speed with his Irish brogue, but I have always been able to understand him perfectly. I don't know, maybe I'm just weird like that. There aren't too many people I know who can actually understand him. The way I portray his speech is all in good fun and I am in no way trying to make him out to look bad. I love Jin as a character, really. I think he's cool and really funny. In my book, Jin is in the awesome column. But, if the way I blur Jin's words offends you, I'm sorry and I mean nothing by it. It's the same with Kuwabara…..except for the fact that I actually am out to make him look bad. Personally, I cannot stand Kuwabara. There's nothing I like about him except for maybe his honorability and code stuff (that's sort of admirable). I'm not sure what qualities he has that leads people to no only stand him but actually like him, and it's all beyond me; though I guess that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Hey, it takes all sorts, right? I know I've exaggerated his lack of cranium activity even if he's not exactly the brightest crayon in the box to begin with. If my portrayal of his incompetence offends you, then it's probably not a good idea to continue reading my fanfic because nothing's going to change in that department.

Anyway, I am completely open to flames, as long as you give a reason as to why you dislike my story or a certain aspect of it. I cannot fix a problem if I don't know what the issue is to begin with. This is my first YYH fanfic, but it also my first attempt at a holiday story. Please keep that in mind if you decide to review. I'm not going to beg for reviews, but I appreciate any that I receive. Thank you for your time. 0.-


	2. Circles and mini marts

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH no matter how much I wish I did.

Things that are in both _italics_ and the single quotations ( ' ' ) are thoughts. (I'm not sure if they're called single quotations or not, I'm just going on my best guess here.)

Ex. _'It's snowing outside, how pretty.'_

Anything in Parenthesis are little comments I put for either an explanation purpose or if I just plain want to comment on anything.

Summary: It's Valentine's Day in the world of YYH and what a Valentine's Day it turns out to be. Chaos ensues as Cupid rebels, arrows fly, the gang falls in love with each other, oh and did I mention that Kurama gets kidnapped by a psychotic fan girl? This will be a day that no one will ever forget, no matter how much they may want to.

Recap: **"So I guess we follow the bouncing Botan then."**

"**Xstleymctka!" (Jin translation: "Exactly Urameshi!")**

"**Uh right, well we're getting nowhere fast so we might as well start moving."**

"**For once I agree with the detective," Hiei said as he started off after Botan.**

Without further ado, here's my fic, I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Ch. 2

Three hours later

"Come on Botan, where the hell are we?!? It seems like we've been going around in circles for hours!"

Hiei glared carefully at Botan. "Perhaps that's because we have."

Botan rubbed the back of her neck with her hand. "He, he, he, he. Maybe this device isn't as reliable as I had thought." Botan sweat drops

"Hmm, I guess that's why I'm feeling dizzy," Kuwabara announced, more to himself than anybody else, scratching his head absently.

"Sorry to rain on your parade, but that would just be the side effect of your own incompetence. Maybe you shouldn't try thinking for a while, you could seriously hurt yourself."

It took a few moments for Hiei's statement to sink in before Kuwabara exploded. "Hey, that's not very nice!!!"

"Exactly."

"Why you little….!!"

"Guys, guys, break it up! This is no time for your consequential bickering!" Botan stood between the two, her arms crossed, trying to ignore the sparks between the two. (Literal sparks in Hiei's case.)

The glaring match was cut short by an all too familiar sound coming from ahead of everyone. "Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!" Everyone turned to see a little blue penguin-like blob flapping its huge ears, as if they were wings, and flying towards the others.

"Puu, what the hell are you doing here?!? Just great, just what I need, that THING hanging around me, making me look stupid!"

"That isn't very nice Yusuke. Poor Puu." Everyone turned to see an annoyed Keiko appearing up after Puu.

"K-k-keiko? What are you doing here?"

"Well Yusuke, I was wondering where you were, and Puu seemed worried. Besides, it's Valentines Day."

"Please, don't remind me," Yusuke said with a huge sigh.

Keiko looked at Yusuke strangely. "What, you don't like Valentines Day?"

"Don't worry Sheila, our boy here's just in a little tiff 'cause 'a our mission today. Must be real disappointed that you can' have yur nasty ta'day."

"EWWWW!!!" shrieked Keiko.

Yusuke gave Chuu a strange look like he was wondering what he was talking about, while the others, with the exception of Yukina, looked at least slightly disgusted. Yukina just looked around, clueless and completely oblivious as to what Chuu was talking about. Kuwabara looked at Yusuke with both a disgusted and angry look on his face. "Urameshi! How could you?! How can you just take advantage of Keiko like that?!"

"Urg, Kuwabara, Yusuke has done no such thing!"

Kuwabara turned to Keiko, taking her hands in his, and said solemnly, "Oh Keiko, there is no need to protect him, you can tell the truth."

Keiko ripped her hands away from Kuwabara's, her face contorted with disgust. "But I am telling the truth," Keiko tried desperately.

Botan was now giggling. "Oh Kuwabara, I think you should believe her. Besides, if Yusuke tried anything Keiko would most likely slap the living daylights out of him."

Yusuke, now getting very uncomfortable with the subject, started to move uneasily. "Yo, guys, aren't we on a mission here? Let's get going already!"

Kurama nodded. "Yusuke has a point. We should take care of this as soon as possible."

2 more hours pass by

"Come on Botan, we're getting nowhere! We've been walking for hours and all we've gotten was out of the woods and that endless circle.

"I'm not sure what's wrong with this thing," Botan said, slightly shaking the tracking device, "it should have been working."

"At this rate I'd get there sooner by sniffing the air!"

"I find that very hard to believe Yusuke. Though perhaps we should all stop at that place over there," Kurama suggested, pointing to a store down the street. "We've all been walking for hours and none of us have had breakfast, with the exception of maybe Puu and Keiko, so the break could be good for us."

"Hn. I don't need any substantial nourishment. I'm all for continuing. The more time we spend on break the more time it'll take to handle this case."

Kurama thought for a moment before replying calmly, "You know Hiei, if we stop over here we can get you some sweet snow. What do you say?"

Hiei's eyes lit up for a moment before returning to normal. "Count me in."

As Yusuke walked by Kurama, on his way to the mini mart he said, "Kurama, I like the way you think." With that everyone headed into the mini mart. Kurama smiled at the middle-aged couple at the counter, who happened to be the owners and the only workers in the store. The man and the woman stood behind the counter, towering in fear. I suppose they had the right though. It's not like you see people like those of the gang everyday (fate is not that kind). Jin got the majority of the attention, though probably because of his horn, if nothing else. Puu was right up there with Jin though in attention, seeing as a 'living plushy', as it would appear, is not quite normal either. Thankfully enough, the store was empty of customers except for them. Even the streets that they had been walking through for the past hour had been cleared of everything but the occasional dust ball. (Ok, so there really were no dust balls, but you get the picture.)

The couple was hiding under the counter as everyone went their own ways. Hiei, as expected, headed strait for the freezer and started raiding the supply of ice cream. Really no surprise there. Keiko went to grab sodas for herself, Kuwabara, and Yusuke, Botan helping her. Chuu was near them, picking out as much alcohol as his large arms could hold. (Mmmm, such a nutritious breakfast for everyone.) Chuu paused for a moment, thinking, before walking over to the cashier counter. He placed the alcohol down and crooned his neck over so he could see the managers. "Excuse me mates, but could you give a bloke a few big bags?"

The man remained crouched low as his wife scurried around to get him four big bags. She carefully walked up to him, keeping as much distance between them as she could, and placed the bags on the counter with a small squeak. (I suppose Chuu is a bit intimidating, for a giant with a blue mohawk.) In size comparison, she was an ant, completely covered by his shadow. Chuu nodded to her. "Thanks Sheila." Then he went back over to the fridge and started filling up the bags. Jin was floating cross-legged in the air, trying to decide what to get while Kurama tried to comfort the couple hovering beneath the counter.

After about 20 minutes the group was ready to check out. They all walked over to the counter and deposited their things. There were snacks of every kind, including donuts that Kuwabara desperately clung to, various sodas, and all Chuu's alcohol, which he did not even bother trying to fit on the counter, and then there was the ice cream. Countless gallons of ice cream lay on the long, wooden counter, not that all of them actually had ice cream in them. Hiei, in his overpowering desire for what he calls 'sweet snow', had started on some of the Ultimate Chocolate gallons. (Eeee, really bad idea. Hiei on a sugar rush? We're all gonna die.) Kurama had convinced Hiei to take both the full and empty gallons up to the counter so they could pay for them.

The couple trembled uncontrollably as the stares of the gang met them. Kurama started to reach into his pocket to pull out some money, but the woman stopped him. "Please, you can have it all for free," she pleaded. (She thought that he was going to pull a gun out on her.) Everyone but Kurama just shrugged, grabbed their stuff, and headed out the door. Kurama glanced at the managers with an apologetic look before turning and heading out after the others.

"So, what now?" asked Yusuke, sipping on a fruit punch slushy he had gotten from a machine in the mini mart. (Notice how even his slushy has some form of violence in it.)

"Now, we continue our search for Cupid," replied Botan rather matter-of-factly.

"Oh come on, not that again. We've been going on for hours and gotten absolutely nowhere. I think I'm starting to prefer the candy, singing, cards, and flowers now."

"Yusuke, stop your whining, you're acting like a big baby." Everyone turned to see Koenma standing behind them.

"K-k-koenma, sir, what are you doing here?" asked Botan, utterly surprised at her boss's appearance.

Koenma raised his finger. (As he usually does when he explains things.) "Well, you see…..there's this thing……………."

"You have no idea do you?" asked Hiei, as grim as ever. (I guess the ice cream didn't help his mood that much.)

Koenma laughed uneasily, "Of course I do. It's simply that….." Koenma sighed. "Alright, fine, I don't have a clue. One minute I was sitting at my desk, stamping official papers, and the next I was up in a tree."

"Interesting," Kurama said, clearly pondering on the situation.

Recognition hit Keiko as she stared at Koenma. "I remember you," she exclaimed, pointing at him. "You're that coward, err, I mean replacement with the jet pack strapped to your back. You were just going to ditch Yusuke, Hiei, Kuwabara, and Kurama!!"

"Heh, heh, heh." Koenma scratched his face stupidly. "Not exactly the way I wanted to be remembered, but, uh, yeah." Koenma, in his teenage form paused for a moment before saying, "I fear this has grown much more serious than I first thought. If Cupid has the power to summon me here and not permit me the ability to go back, who knows what else he is capable of."

"I see, then we should try our best to increase the speed at which things are going."

"Yes Kurama that would be a smart thing to do. We must also try to sort this out before my father returns."

"You mean from his vacation? I thought he wasn't coming back for a few months."

Koenma shook his head, "No Botan, he is returning in one week." (Is it just me or are they always rushed?)

"One week!?!" exclaimed Yusuke. "But we haven't even found him yet and who knows how long that will take or how strong he is!" Koenma just nodded solemnly.

" 'K mates, let'z got gon then," slurred Chuu, who was wobbling and waving a bottle of tequila up in the air.

"Chuu, how much have you had to drink?" asked Kurama worriedly.

"Na muh may, juz a spe." (Translation: "Not much mate, just a spec.")

"Really now, and how much would a spec be?" Kurama questioned further.

" 'Bou sevy-fi." (Translation for drunk, slurring Chuu: "About seventy-five.")

"Sure, and that's nothing," stated Kurama sarcastically.

"Ur ri may," (Translation, which I seem to be doing a lot of lately sigh: "You're right mate.")

"I'm starting to think stopping at the mini mart wasn't such a good idea," said Yusuke with a sigh.

Kuwabara gasped and clutched his bags from the store close to him. "How dare you say such a thing Urameshi! Do not insult the power of the donuts!!" Everyone stared at Kuwabara like he had lost his mind.

"Uh, is he okay?" asked Yusuke with a disturbed look on his face.

"I doubt the answer to that question would be a 'yes'," Kurama replied, the disturbed look gracing his face as well. "Wait a minute, where is Chuu and Hiei?" They all turned to find that Kurama's observation had been correct, Hiei and Chuu were nowhere to be seen. "That's odd, I thought they were both here a moment ago."

"Yeah, things are just getting weirder and weirder." (Yusuke was just starting to recover from Kuwabara's strange outburst.)

"Um, excuse me?"

Everyone turned to see Yukina standing behind them. "Yukina, my love! Where have you been? We were walking in the woods and you just disappeared.

"It was strange. One moment I was with you guys and the next I was someplace far away."

"She must have been teleported, just as I was," Koenma said evenly. Suddenly a loud crash could be heard. They started running towards the sound of the crash and what met their eyes both horrified them and disturbed them to the very core.

* * *

A/N: Okay people - for anyone who is upset with the whole 'I haven't updated this story in about ten months' thing, I'm really sorry. There's been a lot going on and I've had trouble keeping interest in my writing due to certain events. I know that's a really crappy excuse, but it's all I have besides a headache the size of hippo. I have the first five chapters finished though, so I'll just be putting them up (no prob.) when I feel another should be put up...which usually comes after reviews. I know I'm horrible, but I do hope that people still read and possibly enjoy my story if at all possibly. Oh yes, and a big thanks to my friends who have already given me reviews. You guys rock major socks. 


End file.
